he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My penis needs a shock collar
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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