next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My ATM looks so different sober.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
