trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
