I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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