hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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