i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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