Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
