YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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