I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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