I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
