you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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