This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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