she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
