the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
