i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
