Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
