apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
