I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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