highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
