Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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