I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize