Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
