I just pynch a tree in the face
this beer tastes like vomit already
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Randomize
