mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My balls are so social today.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
