K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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