I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
