Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
