seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
