i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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