There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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