i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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