Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
