Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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