if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
