"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
