cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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