So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
