I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
