my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
