Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
