I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's shark week go big or go home
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
