i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
