1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
