I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
