You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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