do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
