Jerry, you need to find god
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
