Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize