You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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