i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
