Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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