I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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