you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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