I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
