Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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