Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm having to shit out rocks
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