Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Let's get the cat blown out
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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