i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
